Shut up Hidan
by skydreia
Summary: Hidan's constant complaining drives Kakuzu into being more creative in shutting him up. This in turn makes Hidan a little more then just paranoid.Chapter4: bathroom renovating and painting tips! Eventual HidanXKakuzu.Rated M for Hidan and further chapter
1. Blackmail

** Shut up Hidan**

by

Skydreia

Note: I am grammar challenged. Me and ol' MS word fought long and hard to bring you this X[ Any mistakes are the program's fault not mine . On second note, I know the whole stop at an inn/ kakuzu figuring the organizations finances/ Hidan possibly being a virgin thing are all cliché but it made for a decent beginning and I'll go for more originality later on in the story. But calci-kun is mine! MINE 0_o*twitch*

disclamer: I don't own Naruto or any of it's charcters or any of it's merchandise or and of its manga or any of their plushies ; ; *runs off to cry*

* * *

-chapter 1-

He opened his mouth, another protest-complaint on tip of his breath when a sharp look silenced him on the spot.

"What? Why are looking at m..."

"shut up Hidan." the treasurer of the Akatsuki's command was as sharp and cold as his demeanor. Any other being that valued their life would head such a warning. Hidan however…

"Who the hell do you think you are telling me off. I'm your partner not your damn servant. Geeze, how the fuck do you get off barking at me for noth…AHH! FUCK!!!" Kakuzu charged into the unsuspecting jashinist with alarming speed toppling them both to the ground. "WHAT THE FUCK KAKU… GET THE F.. KAK…GET OFF!" Violet eyes widened in confusion as his counterpart took his neck into a vice grip. It wasn't until the snake like tendrils from Kakuzu's arm extended hovering dangerously close to his face that he knew what his partner intended to do. "Kakuzu! Knock it off alright! I'll fuckin shut up just, geeze man don't stitch my lips come on not the face dammit!"

Dark green eyes narrowed." If I hear another complaint from you I'll stitch more then just your mouth shut…" His low voice deepened with age promised large amounts of pain and suffering .

Hidan suppressed a shudder of anticipation. His partner was nothing like the people he'd known before. None of them could control Hidan the way this…'man' could. He figured it was because of his experience or whatever, but even with that Hidan had his immortality. Death threats were nothing but entertainment, but somehow they became more to the jashinist when it came to Kakuzu. Hidan wanted the other's attention and perhaps respect. As he laid there on the ground looking up at the other hearing the aggravated sigh of the older man and the tentacles retract, He realized that this was the only reason he caved in letting the other dominate their partnership; That, and because he really didn't want his mouth sewn shut. "Damn man you get so pissy at the drop of a dime." Hidan sat up as the other stood his face in a small pout as he looked up at the older man. Kakuzu tuned and continued on the dirt path not sparing him a second glance. "Oy, wait up!" Hidan yelled scrambling to his feet. The other turned his head slightly as they walked giving another ominous glare forcing Hidan into a silent submission.

With a weary sigh, Hidan and Kakuzu walked for what seemed like days to Hidan. He managed to stay quiet this long but he had his limits. "Dude, we've been going non stop for like ever. Can't we take a break at an inn or something? Cause I sure as fuck don't wanna stay out in the damn forest again with those dark clouds headed over and the damn mosquitoes. I almost got eaten alive last time and I an't getting sick out here in that damn rain when it gets here. Ah fuck! It's starting now, fuckin great. Jashin damn it all. He must be pissed at me for not doing more rituals. Fuckin crap, man now my hair is gonna get wet and frizzed. Isn't there a house or something around here we can take over or something? Damn it my feet are getting soaked. Fuck! They're already sore from all this damn walking. Dammit if we don't get a break soon…"

---

Kakuzu sat and and made him self comfortable against a large tree. After a moment of contemplation he looked up at the now bound and gagged Hidan hanging upside down from a branch not too far away," Is this more suitable for you? Since you've been on your feet so long, and there's no inn in their right mind that would house us, I figured this would be the best and cheapest alternative…" Kakuzu received a string of muffled cursed and allot of squirming for a reply. "I though so…"

---

Despite Kakuzu's logic there was a shabby inn located in a remote almost hidden village that was more then happy to house them. The village it's self was small with maybe a general population of about thirty residents, and Hidan, after 2 hours of hanging from a tree, for once kept his mouth shut and didn't complain about the quality of the inn. Standing out side, he waited for his partner to finish the arrangements, biting his lip in agitation. While he was grateful and even a little surprised at his partner's generosity, the 'keep quiet or I'll gut you' threat was wreaking his nerves. Hidan NEEDED to talk. It was just a Hidan thing. Just as quiet loathing and articulate financial planning were Kakuzu, Loud complaining and obnoxious behavior WERE Hidan. Asking Hidan to stay quiet was like asking Kakuzu for a billion yen in exchange for an IOU (and unless you had a virgin daughter with a rare bloodline limit or a rare antique ornate statue from rural Japan, it an't happening.) Kakuzu was the hardcore business man just as Hidan was the overly righteous sadistic saint of jashin. It wasn't fair that he had to shut up because a certain SOMEBODY had to be a damn control freak. Hidan snorted and turned away from the door in a huff. His shit money hungry greedy bastard of a partner was definitively that. Control freak was an understatement. If Kakuzu didn't have control over the situation he got pissy, BIG time. "Damn money loving heathen…"

"And here I thought you'd be in a good mood…" Hidan mentally jumped out of his skin.

"Jashin almighty, what the fu…"

"If you start again I'm taking back my money and we're leaving." Kakuzu strode by with out another word leaving Hidan in mid-rant. Clenching his jaw he bit back the heated remarks on the edge of his tongue and followed suit.

-------

The room despite the outer appearance of the inn and ware and tear on the villages other buildings wasn't half bad and Hidan released a pent up sigh of relief. Thoughts of roaches, mice and other horrible images vanished as he took in the comfortable shabby sheik room. The medium sized room had two small dressers, a desk and even a little bookshelf which totally surprised Hidan; That and the fact that the room only had ONE full-sized bed. "Uh Kakuzu…"

"It was cheaper." The other said walking in and taking a seat by the desk. Pulling out a stack of papers from his cloak and a small calculator, Kakuzu began to work out the Akatsuki funds.

Hidan frowned walking over plunking down on the bed. "How the hell do you manage to hide all that paper work?" He asked, his shoes making a soft thud on the floor as he slipped them off.

"Ancient Chinese secret…" Kakuzu muttered the slight grin under his mask completely hidden. Hidan huffed.

"Bullshit. I've seen you without your cloak and you don't have any bags so how the hell do you do it?" Kakuzu stopped punching in numbers at that last statement and slowly turned his head gaze piercing toward his partner. "You have..?"

Hidan looked a little alarmed at his partner's sudden attentiveness. "Yea. Once before. By accident…"

Kakuzu's eyes narrowed and with a soft 'hmm' he returned his attention back to his work. Hidan's lower lip jutted into a pout as he folded his arms behind his head resting against the headboard. His partner could be so damn weird at times. Why had he been concerned about what Hidan saw? Honestly over all Kakuzu had been acting funny in general. The facts that they were in an inn and Hidan had dibbs on the bed were major red flags. Kakuzu was either A. going senile, B. In a really good mood, or C. was up to something. Hidan was kinda hoping for B since A would mean he'd have to take care of an old man no nursing home was gonna deal with, and C…

Hidan narrowed his eyes with a frown. C was just damn right scary. When king of shogi started planning shit, Hidan would shut the hell up and lay low. Kinda like what he was doing now…

Hidan released another sigh closing his eyes, brows furrowed. It looked like he was actually thinking something through and didn't go unnoticed by his partner. A small growl erupted from Hidan's lips as the other chuckled lightly. "What the hell are you laughing at???"

"Be careful Hidan. You might hurt yourself in a way that I can't repair…"

"Shut the hell up heathen! Who the hell are you to say such a thing to me you godless bastard!" Hidan was livid. The pent up energy he couldn't rant out erupted all at once stopping all rational thought. "You and your bullshit money, I was fuckin quiet all this damn time and now you're calling me stupid? FUCK YOU JASHIN DAMN IT! I'm sick of your shit! Fuckin control freak, I swear to Jashin when this shits over with I'm gonna sacrifice ever damn one of your hearts and nail your ass to a barn and use you blood to write a new Bible that YOU fuckin' ruined and wouldn't replace cause you're a cheap greedy son of a bitch bastURK!" Kakuzu's death grip on Hidan's neck silenced the enraged Jashinist. Hidan squirmed to get free, hands digging at the fingers embedded in his neck. He clenched is teeth and saliva tricked down his chin, foaming at the mouth in rage.

After five minutes of struggling Hidan gave up, dropping his hands to his sides, glaring at his partner still sitting across the room. Instead of the angry look he expected on his partners face Hidan was shocked yet again by the look of morbid fascination in Kakuzu's eyes.

'C' apparently was the final out come. Hidan gradually calmed down, subconsciously gulping as the prospect finally sunk in. "What the fuck are you after? I knew this was too good to be true…" The words were hoarse against the grip still on his neck.

Kakuzu's eye's lit up in surprise. "Oh? So that's what you were thinking about. Interesting…" The older Nin continued to analyze Hidan. His eye's seemed to reflect the different possibilities that passed his mind as they raked over Hidan's form.

Hidan twitched and grew nervous as the silence stretched a full ten minutes. He knew he didn't have to fear for his life but Kakuzu promised to do so many things to him along their travels; Things that involved lots of pain. Horrible, agonizing pain… Hidan bit his lip as past conversations flowed into his thoughts. Fear and apprehension leaked their way into his being and he had to fight off the shutter that threatened to break free. Was that what this was about? Was Kakuzu planning on going through with his threats?

The other seemed to sense some of Hidan's internal turmoil. His eye's narrowed as he unexpectedly released Hidan from his death grip, arm recoiling back into its place, and continued to study the other now coughing up small amounts of blood. Clutching his throat Hidan glared at the other gritting his teeth. The older of the two leaned back sideways into his chair; arm draped loosely behind it's back, his hand resting on a crossed knee. Kakuzu reminded Hidan of some twisted psychiatrist about to ask him 'how are you feeling about all of this?' Hidan blinked at Kakuzu and started laughing, coughing up blood in between breaths. "You find something amusing?"

"I just… Oh man.. Ahah *cough* uhn… Just *cough* forget it…" Hidan managed to say between laughs and coughing. "Look seriously, if you don't stop it with these damn random attacks I'm seriously going to sacrifice your damn ass to Jash…"

"The only thing you're going to do is shut up and be great full I'm being nice for a change." Kakuzu barked cutting Hidan off. The other looked at him dubiously.

"Nice??? You call hanging me to a tree and breaking my neck of the 10th time being nice???" He looked at his partner in disbelief subconsciously rubbing his now bruised throat.

"I didn't hear it snap, and I let go. Besides, the agreement was that you'd stop your damn complaining and let me work in peace for a night indoors." Hidan huffed and turned away.

"You started it by calling me stupid."

"Did I now? I don't recall those words leaving my mouth…"

"Just… Fuck you!" Hidan leaned forward unsheathing his weapon tossing it off to the side, the loud noise seeming to echo in the now silent room. With a scowl Hidan tossed his cloak in the general direction of his weapon and yanked the covers up disappearing underneath. Curling slightly on his side he closed his eyes brows still set in a scowl. _Kakuzu's such a pain in the ass; Always acting like he's better then every one else._ "Dumb fuck…" Hidan muttered softly. His scowl turned into an all out sneer when he heard a light chuckle from his partner.

Kakuzu watched the other squirm under the covers a moment before going back to work. _Leader had been right apparently. Toying with Hidan's petty ego was far more effective in controlling him then threats. Not to mention much more entertaining as well…_Kakuzu sighed lightly as a few figures didn't seem to match up as they should have. _So simple minded Hidan is; No challenge at all… _

After six hours of working out figures Kakuzu set down his calculator and looked out the shabby window. They arrived at the inn around dusk and now it must have been some time around two or three in the morning. Leaning back in his chair Kakuzu removed his mask and head piece absently hanging them on the edge of his chair. Folding his arms behind his head he closed his eyes and relaxed in the pure silence that blanketed the room. It was so rare now a day that everything was this quiet and stable. More time went by as he lost himself in the complete silence the world gifted him. He was oblivious to Hidan's light stirring.

Hidan slowly sat up stifling a yawn and giving a slight stretch. He marveled at how well he slept as he blinked himself awake. He opened his mouth, a question about a possible breakfast on the edge of his lips, but the scene in front of his eyes kept it from escaping. Sitting stiller then death, Hidan gazed at his sleeping partner in slight awe. It was the first time he'd seen him with out his head piece and imaginary images he'd come up with during their travels, all ugly, old, hideous, vanished leaving the real thing in their place. Hidan remembered to breathe as he blinked in semi-shock at how young the other looked. If it wasn't for the large stitches from his forbidden jutsu on the sides of his face he'd be able to rival Hidan's own looks, for as boyishly sexy Hidan felt he was Kakuzu was more of a mature hansom type.

Looking away for a moment Hidan mulled all of this over pouting slightly at his final conclusion. Hidan prided his beauty not just out of ego but because it made it super easy to acquire virgins for his lord. The fact that this old bastard could rival him any way in THAT department made Hidan hate the miser even more. Looking back at his partner he turned over then notion of Kakuzu being interested in anything other then money. Hidan smirked, his eyes however more soft then they usually were. _I bet his too self conscious about those stitches to think he could rival my hotness. Not that he'd care any way but… _Hidan's brows furrowed. _Why is his mask off now? Why the hell is he so relaxed? _Leaning back and folding his arms behind his head against the pillow Hidan continued to watch his resting partner with half lidded eyes.

_Damn he looks pretty good when he's not all pissy n' shit… Oh Jashin-sama let me stop thinking that shit before… _Adverting his gaze down to his neither regions, even through the cover and the layers of clothing he wore, evidence of his thoughts accompanied by the alleged 'morning wood' were just visible enough to raise a brow. And raise a brow Kakuzu did as his slightly turned head studied his younger partner. Hidan frowned in irritation, sigh leaving his lips. Looking back up his eyes widened for a split second in shock before he relaxed trying to keep his cool. "Mornin sleeping beauty. I'm totally rested if you want the bed." Hidan wondered if the 'sleeping beauty' bit made him a little obvious. Using 'bed' in the same sentence probably didn't help either. _As if he'd act on it. Seriously, he'd rather kill then fuck anything… _

Kakuzu watched the other for a moment before quirking a brow and grinning slightly. "And what if I want what's _in _the bed instead?"

Hidan sat up sputtering. _No fucking way! _"What the f…"

"I'll take the bed Hidan." Kakuzu said with a slight chuckle, rising from his chair. "If you go off to do any of your rituals don't get caught or we'll have to leave town early." He warned walking over to the bed. Hidan swallowed a bit forcefully as he watched his partner walk toward him almost predatory. Hidan opened his mouth but nothing came out. _Holy shit! Did he just flirt with me??? _Stopping in front of his gaping partner Kakuzu looked down at him and on his hip brow quirked. "Well?"

Hidan flew off the bed grabbing his scythe and cloak in one fluid motion then dashed out the room slamming the door behind him. Smiling slightly at his new found way he could mentally torture his partner Kakuzu settled under the covers taking note in the back of his mind Hidan's familiar sent before drifting off again.

Hidan knew he was making a fool of himself by running out like that but he really didn't care at the moment. Kakuzu was totally acting different then usual and it was scaring the shit out of the Jashinist. _He even suggested that I do a ritual! What the hell is he on? He never gives me the 'ok' to do one, just bitches about how long it takes and how useless it is…_

Hidan's foot steps slowed down as he made it out of the inn and further into the small run down town. Looking around he took note of how simple everything looked. The place seemed trapped in the past. There wasn't an once of technology any where in sight. _Ah, A town still yet virgin of my lord Jashin. Perfect! _The high priest grinned to himself. Scouting around, walking in the shadows of shabby buildings, he searched for his victim. Heading farther out in to the fields he came across a young girl dress in a light bluish green dress, dark brown hair messy from hard work, hunched over with a hoe preparing soil for growth. He smirked from the blanket of shadow a near by shed gave him. Waiting uncharacteristically patient, he watched her male companion, her father he presumed, say something then head back to a house a few yards back from the field. Hidan leaned against the shed calmly watching the retreating figure.

Deciding the man was far enough; Hidan put on his most disarming smile and slowly approached the lone female still raking through stubborn weeds. She appeared to be angry about something as she muttered 'stupid uncle' under her breath. _Well, I was half right… _"Oy, that man didn't leave you here to do all this work yourself did he?" Hidan called out to the girl approaching her in slow steady steps, his predatory notion hidden under an angelic smile.

The girl straitened and looked at Hidan in shock before blushing and turning away nervously. "Uh yea. I have to do most of the work because of his back condition…" She said softly dusting a little dirt off her dress in a vain attempt to look more presentable in front of the stranger. Finally mustering up enough courage to look back at the robed man she gasped at how close he'd gotten since she turned away. Looking up at his taller frame meeting his sympathetic eyes she blinked blush staining her pale cheeks even more.

"Back condition? He looked fine to me." Hidan replied in mock disbelief. Tilting his head he gave the girl a look over causing her to redden even more. "I can't believe a beautiful girl like you is working her self to death for a lazy old man. He's not even THAT old." Hidan frowned eye's still holding their fake sympathy making his face look even more alluring.

The girl looked away biting her lip hands now fidgeting behind her back. "Well, he did fall off the tractor when we still had one, but even I don't believe it was that bad …" She let out a small exasperated sigh blush lessening as she explained her predicament. " I have no choice thou. If I don't work I won't have a place to sleep or food to eat…"

Hidan closed his eyes and held his chin seeming to contemplate her situation. "Hmm. Welp, as far as I can see it seems like you could use some spirituality in your life!" He exclaimed looking at her with an affirmative nod. She looked back at him in wonder, her eyes questioning. Hidan laughed. "I may not look like it, but I'm actually very religious! Do they teach anything about god around here?" He silently hoped that there wasn't anything instilled that he'd have to 'unteach'. It was hard enough teaching people uninfluenced by other religion enough as it is.

She blinked in awe at his words, shocked that such a man would be so interested in something like that. "Well I… Uncle doesn't allow me to study anything besides cooking. He says I'll get funny ideas and," She looked down solemnly, "end up like my mom…"

Hidan watched the girl excitement surfacing on his face. _Bingo. _"Wow. No offence but your uncle is a real asshole."

She blinked looking back up at Hidan." I thought holy people weren't supposed to curse?"

Hidan laughed and bent over slightly patting her shoulder." Not in my religion babe. Tell you what, why don't we go for a walk and I tell you allll about lord Jashin-sama eh? Or, you can head back and be a good little servant to you lazy bastard uncle…" The girl looked away from Hidan's eyes rolling his words over in her mind. Her face contoured into a look of distain as she considered her second option then looking back up at him with determination she nodded to Hidan. "I'll go with you… erm…"

Hidan's eyes widened. "Oh shit! I didn't even introduce myself!" Hidan straitened mock slapping his forehead then sliding his fingers through his hair he looked at the girl with a grin. "Hidan is my regular name, but my shadow name is Mauve."

The girl's eyes widened, mind absorbing every tiny bit of information her new 'sensei' offered." Shadow name?"

"Yea, it's a name you get after you've been anointed to hide your identity. Not every one believes in lord Jashin's teachings so we have to protect ourselves as we spread his word in secret." He gestured with a thumb to the weapon on his back. "Since I'm louder about it, I have to literally defend my self at times." Hidan inwardly surged with maniacal glee at the young girl's awe and amazement.

"My name is… Nina." The girl said softly slight smile on her face.

"Nina eh? Let's go on that walk shall we? Be for your bastard uncle comes out and bitches at us." He slid his hand behind her shoulder pushing her forward into the direction of a small forest that lay yards ahead of them. Walking at her side he began to recite to words his preacher once said to him.

------

Kakuzu arched his back against the bed a loud crack signaling the released kink in his spine. Settling back he opened his eyes amazed at how comfortable his sleep had been. Not only was it free from nightmares but the warmth that filled his joints so use to the cold outdoors made him want to just roll over and drift off again. Gazing sleepily over at the window, he judged it to be almost noon. Cursing lightly he sat up arching his back, it sounding off for the second time, before making his way to the unfinished documents on the table.

With a yawn that tested the limits of his stitched face he sat back in his chair picking up the small calculator Hidan dubbed 'calci-kun' for reasons unknown to him. That thought made him look up at the door eyes narrowing slightly in question. _He should be back by now. _Hidan's rituals took a long time but Kakuzu was out for a few hours and even Hidan didn't take that long. "Hn." He muttered before going back to work. No need to worry about Hidan just about what Hidan was 'doing'. Kakuzu just hoped it wasn't something that would cause more problems and delays for them both. Then again this piece and quiet of having him gone a while was worth what ever Hidan had planned for them to out run.

Soft beeps from calci-kun and a pen scraping against paper were the only sounds audible for another sixth hour. Kakuzu had been so absorbed into his work his eye brows raised as he saw the sun about to make it's decent into the earth. _He's still not back yet? What is that fool up to… _As if the universe felt the need to make its powers known, it answered his silent question with the said subject opening the door and slamming it behind himself. Kakuzu's brow raised as he studied his partners state, searching out any clues to his were bouts and possible danger. He took note of Hidan's disheveled state, saw the spots of blood on his cloak, the completely satisfied triumphant grin on his face, the spotless blades on his weapon, and came up with a sensible conclusion within seconds. "I thought the idea was to kill the woman 'as' a virgin Hidan…"

"Yea well I made a last minute change of plans ok? It still worked out in the end!" He exclaimed practically skipping to the bed landing on it with a bounce. "Man Kazu it was so freakin Great! I taught her good man! She was a freakin pro after I got done with her…" Hidan smiled fondly.

Kakuzu sighed. "Right. Keep it to yourself. I don't need to hear about your sexual prowess…"

Hidan quirked a brow at the miser before muttering a 'whatever' and unhooking his weapon setting it on the floor before leaning back against the soft pillow. Closing his eyes he smiled thinking back over that days events. After telling 'Nina' about their lord Jashin and explaining everything about the rituals and sacrifice to the sheltered girl, he offered to initiate her and make her a priestess. She was so excited especially when Hidan suggested they use her uncle as part of her initiation ritual. It was the most fun Hidan had in a while. Nothing was better then sacrificing heathen then doing it with someone else. And it was so much fun chasing that heathen bastard through the woods. He didn't have any back problems then…

Hidan laughed slightly startling Kakuzu from organizing his paper work. It appeared that they both had a good day. "Usually people are relaxed after a tumble in the grass. You're even more hyper then normal."

Hidan settle down taking a minute to process the other's words. "What? Tumble in the grass? Why the fuck would I do that I don't need any damn grass stains on my clothes… "

Kakuzu rubbed the bridge of his nose. "It's a metaphor for 'sex' Hidan…"

Hidan's eyes widened in surprise. "Sex? What makes you think I had sex with anybody?" Hidan pumped his fist in the air. "What I did was better then that! I converted a virgin girl to Jashinism!!!" He bellowed triumphantly.

Kakuzu started at his partner blankly for a moment, closed his eyes with a sigh then turned back to his paper work. Hidan frowned at his partner. "What the hell is your problem? What, you wanted me to fuck her or something? If you think I'm going to start using my looks to help you get chicks or something you better fu…"

"Hidan. Shut up." Kakuzu was a little disappointed with himself for being wrong, but there was a first for everything he supposed.

"Pesh, What ever man." The priest said with a pout. "Just to help you get your heathen mind out of the gutter, a priestess has to stay a virgin and keep their body pure since they're considered married to Jashin."

Kakuzu smirked. "Oh? Is that so? And the priests as well?" Honestly he could care less about Hidan and his stupid religion, but he was curious.

"Of course." Hidan answered as though some one asked him if the sky was blue.

Kakuzu frowned. That was twice in one day he'd been wrong. "I find that hard to believe that you of all people could be a virgin."

"Why the hell is that? Is that all you fuckin think about is sex? Your even sicker and fucked up then I thought." Hidan huffed staring at his partner in disgust.

Kakuzu slowly turned to his partner disbelief on his face. "You calling 'me' sick?" Kakuzu had enough. "We're leaving. It's better that we travel at night after your 'fun'. They won't notice the body till we're long gone." He pulled on his cloak, then his mask and head piece.

"Oh come on Kakuzu. Don't be like that! They won't find the body the bastard never went into town any way plus me and Ni… Viridian buried him under the shrine we made…"

"And you don't think that will look a little suspicious to the other villagers?" Kakuzu sighed exasperated. "Never mind. My work is done and must be delivered as soon as possible. Deidara's been over spending and writing it off as clay purchases…" He ground out the last words in anger shoving the paperwork and calci-kun back into his cloak.

"Sigh. Yea, yea. I freakin told him but he insisted that…"

"You knew?" Kakuzu's words were cold and deadly. Hidan gulped.

"Look man, what was I supposed to do? Tattle on him or some shit? I'm not some little dickless kid or something…"

"You will be when I get through with you." Kakuzu chided.

Hidan hid his nervousness forcing himself to relax. Closing his eyes he fired his comeback. "Really? Gonna molest me old man? Pesh, since sex is all you ever think about. Seriously I bet you can't even get it up any more. Probably why you're all lusting after everything all of a sudden." His eyes flew open as a sudden weight landed on his body. Frozen in shock he looked up at his partner's face which was inches away from his mask making his eye even more intimidating.

Hidan tried to ignore the fact that he was pinned to the bed by what he assumed was a sex deprived old man on the verge of snapping. "Hidan…" His voice was heavy and thick with what could be anything from anger to lust. "If you continue to insult me with your petty accusations, I'm going to act on them in such a way," He leaned close whispering in Hidan's ear, "I'll have you begging me for it…"

Hidan laid there frozen in shock even after Kakuzu moved off of him and toward the door. Looking over his shoulder he watched the other's head turn slightly, fear evident in his eyes. Narrowing his eyes at the Jashinist, smirk hidden under the cover of his mask, he turned and walked out the door not waiting for the other to follow.


	2. Snuff the Rooster

Hi every one! X3 This story is going off a little from what I had originally planned =( But oh well it's still fun, and will later tie into the multiple ways Kakuzu can get Hidan to do what he wants(in ways he doesn't even know he wants yet X3). Also, I'm making the rest of the chapters shorter so that it's easier on me when i have to check the grammar as I am grammer tarded =[ and to make the time between posts shorter which is always a plus =3

Disclaimer: I don't own this shiz. This na-ru-to shiz.

* * *

-chapter2-

Walking out of the inn Kakuzu sighed in content. _Another bit of blackmail material to add to the growing list. _Making his way past the gates and out of the village, he developed a strange desire to whistle. He didn't allow himself the pleasure of course and instead, mentally checked his blackmail list on Deidara.

The explosive youth had quite a list. It was a matter of choosing the easiest and most effective way to stop his overspending. Adding ammonium sulfate to the kid's molding clay seemed promising and would cause the artist a great deal of depression, but it was allot of effort even if he made some one else do it. Besides, it would probably back fire and cause the distraught artist to buy even more clay, possibly different and even more expensive brands.

Kakuzu turned his head back slightly. _That retarded fool better start heading out. I'm not waiting around for his slow moving ass. _Kakuzu stopped. With a sigh, he walked off the dirt road and sat on the smooth surface of a rock. _That stupid little bastard better hurry up…_

---

Hidan sat up, his shock finally worn off, and swung his legs to the side setting his feet flat onto the floor. With a heavy sigh he rested his elbows on his knees and stared at the wall in front of him, his eyes unfocused.

"Wow. You look pretty depressed un."

Hidan's head snapped toward the voice, eyes wide in surprise. "When the fuck did you get here???"

"Just a few seconds ago. I thought you'd be able to sense my presence a while ago yeah? You must be really worried about something un." Delicate fingers slowly raked through soft strands of blond. One visible vibrant blue eye watched the albino now with his back propped against the head board and his legs crossed on the bed. The blond was perched on the desk legs crossed at the ankles slightly swaying to and fro.

"Just, whatever. What do you want?" Hidan muttered as he crossed his arms, his cheeks slightly pink with embarrassment.

"Did you and Kakuzu-san have another disagreement?"

"Are you gonna tell me what the hell you want?"

The blond cupped his chin in thought. "Wow. That bad un?"

Hidan released his pent up aggravation in yet another drawn out sigh. "Look, the old geezer has been acting weird on me alright? I'm just… Trying to adjust…"

Blue eyes lit up in understanding. "Ah! So you two are together now yeah?"

Hidan blinked and stared at the blond with a blank look. "What?"

"You know, where you've entered that stage when you become master and pet."

"Deidara…" Unfolding his arms and legs, Hidan hunched over letting his forearms rest around his bent knees. "Dude, seriously… What the hell are you talking about???"

Deidara studied the albino, noting how his hands limply rested over his ankles and the confused look on his face that made him appear more young and innocent then he really was. "Hidan, someday… You'll be my model yeah? I could make incredible works just watching you…"

Hidan's face scrunched up in confusion before relaxing in understanding then paling in horror. "Dude! Are you… Checking me out!!??"

The blond cocked his head off to the side, his visible eye half lidded. "And what if I am?" A grin slowly spread onto his face.

Hidan panicked and backed against the head board. "What the fuck is this shit!? YOU'RE GAY TOO!? WHY THE FUCK IS EVERYONE AROUND ME GAY!!?? YOU HORNY FUCKIN' BASTARDS BETTER LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!!! I got that damn old horny bastard heathen after my ass I DON'T NEED YOU AFTER IT TOO!!" He yelled making a mad dive for his scythe and going into a defensive stance.

Deidara chuckled. "Well Hidan you have to admit that it is quite a well sculpted piece of craftsmanship yeah? Its perfect roundness and sizeable mass make it almost impossible not to take notice un. Shame our uniform cloaks hide our bodies so well…However," the blond waved a hand as to dismiss the tension that built up in the small area," I didn't come here to molest you un, just to ask for a favor."

Frowning and slowly lowering his weapon, Hidan watched for any strange actions. Being jumped a few times by a seemingly calm Kakuzu made him still wary about the other telling the truth. "What kind of favor? And it better not have anything to do with sex cause I'm not a Jashin-damn whore! And I'm not doing anything with you and your 'Danna' or whatever. Damn man you're really fuckin' gay? You and that Sasori thing… uhck! How do you… with… Oh fuckin' Jashin-sama…" Hidan clutched his head as his imagination happily showed him what 'it' thought about how they 'interacted'.

Deidara lifted his head, laughter erupting from his whole being. He wiped away a tear with his sleeve still chuckling. Taking a moment to compose himself, he looked back up at Hidan's frowning face. "Actually… I just wanted you to talk Kakuzu-san into letting me go on my over expenditures un..."

Hidan blinked. "Oh. Um...Well…" He fidgeted a bit before responding. "Trying to get Kakuzu to forget about a debt is like…" Hidan stopped to think of a good analogy for Kakuzu. "Kinda like trying to get a rooster to lay an egg. Unless it's a hermaphrodite, it an't happening."

"Hmm. Well then, we'll have to improvise…" Discreetly Deidara place a hand into his clay pack. "I assumed the both of you were already romantically inclined un, but I see this isn't the case. So…"

"Hey wait a minute!" the albino shouted cutting the other off. "Why the hell should I help your ass out any way? I don't owe you any favors…"

"Yes you do Hidan-kun." the blonde leaned back on his free arm. "It was I if you recall un that saved you from permanent castration yeah?" A smirk formed on the bomb experts face as the other visibly shuttered. "Zetsu was extremely disappointed that you wouldn't participate in the new plant fertilization process he created…" Moving his hand from the table to cup his chin, he 'hmmed' in thought. "I can always tell him you've changed your mind yeah? He'd love to make a new plant species out of you Hidan-kun…"

"Uhng… Don't fuckin' tell me that damn it! Alright you fucking cock sucker I'll do what you want just… Please don't remind me of that. Even getting raped by Kakuzu isn't that… Well… No, that's pushing it… Maaannn…" Hidan rubbed his head lips set in a pout. "Seriously man I don't know why your even bothering to torture me. Nothing, NOTHING comes between Kakuzu and money. Believe me I've tried. I've told him the way of Jashin and he wont budge."

Deidara quirked a brow at the Jashinist priest. "Usually people who are that fond of materialistic things aren't interested in religion Hidan-kun. We're going to try something else yeah?" Pulling his hand out of his clay holding bag, he lifted it in front of Hidan's view fist closed. Opening his palm, he revealed a small rooster. Hidan's face blanched as Deidara turned the figure around to show its extra 'equipment'. "You're going to flirt with him un. If he wants you, he'll do what you want to have you, but if he doesn't want you…" The miniature rooster on Deidara's palm flapped its wings. "He'll do what you want anyway just to get you to stop yeah?"

"There's no way that's gonna work." Hidan eyed the rooster with distain. "If he doesn't want me he'll just beat the shit out of me… " Looking away from the figurine and into Ultramarine he sneered. "And fuck no! What if he does wanna fuck me? He's jumped me like several times!! I don't want to encourage that shit!!"

Deidara's eye intensified. "Well then. I guess you'll have to settle for castration yeah? At least you won't have to worry about us 'gay heathens' any more un…"The rooster in his palm made a clicking noise.

"Seriously, isn't there another way or something? I mean how the hell am I gonna flirt with him?" with a sigh, the distraught albino ran his pale finger through silvery strands before resetting his weapon on his back with an audible sound as it clicked into place. "This is Kakuzu we're talking about here and I'm not even gay! I don't know the first thing about seducing anything!"

"You don't have to like some one to seduce them un. But it does help." Setting his newest creation onto the table, Deidara gave it a fond look before turning to face Hidan squarely. "You have a special charm to you Hidan-kun." He sauntered over to the other, smirking at the puzzled look on the albino's face. "Sasori-danna was the one who pointed it out to me. Your immortality corresponds to his view that the beauty of art should be eternal." Hidan backed up as the blond moved closer. "You're probably the only thing we agreed on yeah, but Sasori-danna sees you as the work of art. I on the other hand…"Feeling the wall against his back Hidan's eye's widened in panic. Deidara placed a palm flat onto the wall next to the head of the alarmed shin obi. "I find you a constant source of inspiration." He tilted his head, a single ultramarine piercing into deep pools of magenta. "Inspiration that strikes so quick and so strong. Impulsive, direct, fleeting…" Hidan stood against the wall in shock tensing as he felt and heard the blond leaning over to whisper in his ear. "It's a shame we couldn't have been paired together Hidan-kun. We would have made beautiful art together un…"

Hidan's cheeks burned as he felt delicate fingers flutter over his collar bone. Their decent over his bare chest muscles caused him to shutter slightly, his over sensitive skin unused to being touched. "Wha… What are you doing?" He managed reaching up and grasping the artist by the wrist stopping him from going any further.

"I'm showing you how un. " Leaning in, the blond nipped at Hidan's ear lobe. Removing his hand from the wall he continued past where the other hand stayed captured in the albino's grip. "You said you didn't know yeah? How to seduce anything…"

At that Hidan's eyes widened in shock. "Wait a minute!" He pushed Deidara away from him. "I told you I'm not gay damn it! And… And, I can't do THAT to Kakuzu!!"

Deidara clicked his tongue against his teeth in annoyance. "I don't care if your gay or not un! You need to do this for me. And if you're so damn strait yeah…" The blond walked over and without warning gripped the hardened bulge between Hidan's legs causing the other to cry out in shock. "What's this Hidan-kun?? You seem ready to go to me yeah?" Hidan grabbed Deidara's arm with both hands cursing loudly as he tried to escape being groped. As he laughed, Deidara's palm lapped and sucked at Hidan through the cloth before letting go.

"WHAT THE FUCK YOU ASSHOLE! YOU LYING SACK OF SHIT!! YOU SAID YOU DIDN'T COME HERE TO MOLEST ME FUCKIN HEATHEN!!!" Looking down, Hidan was mortified at the wet spot over his crotch. "What the fuck you sick freak!!"

Deidara continued to laugh as he walked over and sat down on the bed leaning back on his arms. "Hidan-kun, why are you acting so puerile? It's not like you've never been with any one before…"

The said albino looked up from his crotch fierce anger burning in his violet eyes. "I HAVEN'T BEEN WITH ANYONE YOU SICK HEATHEN!!! The only relationship I have is between ME AND MY GOD, MY GOD THAT'S IT!!!!"

"Hmmm. I see. No wonder your so nervous un…" Cupping his chin in thought he closed his eye and grinned. "However! This proves you're gay yeah? Seeing how you have a relationship with a male god and all un…"

"WHAT THE FUCK!! Fuck this I'm leaving!" Turning to the door Hidan took two steps then stopped. Between him and the door stood the small miniature rooster making a clicking noise at the albino with a passion. Hidan grinned as it bounced up and down on the floor in a fit of clicks. "And what the hell is this little shit gonna do?" Hidan blinked as the rooster stopped and looked right up at the shin obi before being engulfed in a huge cloud of smoke. With a poof the miniature figurine grew to be half Hidan's size. With a startled yelp, he jumped back looking at the Deidara in annoyance. "What the hell is this thing? You're gonna blow the place up or something???"

"Mmmmm… No. This particular work of art is something special all together un." Deidara's eye softened as he looked at the perfection made of clay before him. "No, this piece has a different purpose. So Hidan-kun, are you going to get Kakuzu to let me off the hook or do you wish to see how special this piece of ingenious art is right in front of you." Grinning, the blond watched Hidan pale as the extra 'equipment' on the rooster made it's self known. "If you didn't like my teasing earlier un, you surely won't like this…" Raising two fingers Deidara sent a pulse of chakra into his creation. It flapped its wings and went for Hidan in passion filled frenzy.

---

Kakuzu raised his head from the map he'd been studying as he heard a faint high pitched scream come from the direction of the village he just left. With a sigh he went back to memorizing the surrounding terrain that they would have to pass through if Hidan ever decided to show up. "Stupid asshole. Probably stopped to do another ritual before heading out." Growling in frustration he made a mental note to force Hidan to contaminate Deidara's clay if he planned to go that route.

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This doesn't have the same 'feel' as the first chapter but that's probably because I was drinking alot while writing the first =.+ R&R, thanks for reading =3


	3. mental and physical dissection

Oooooossss I'm so bad ; ; I should have had this done a week ago but my art gets in the way of things X[ Any how, I'm sorry that this chapter is a little shorter then the last one but I'll make the fourth longer since i think that will be the real bulk of the story (which I should have named operation flirtation or somthing since it's going pretty far from what i had planned for it XP!)

Disclaimer: I don't own anything Naruto ._. *eats ice cream to ease the pain*

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-Chapter3-

Kakuzu marked off a few locations on the map he'd been studying before rolling it back up and tucking it away. Again he looked in the direction he came from and growled when he still couldn't feel his partner's chakra signature. Patience at his limit, he stood ready to go back and dismember his tardy team mate when a familiar chakra let it's self be known, stopping him in place. He narrowed his eyes.

"**That loud mouthed jack ass isn't with you? **Good, we wished to speak with you alone.**" **Molding from the ground Akatsuki member Zetsu emerged. "You two aren't on disagreeable terms are you? **The whiny prick piss you off again?"**

Kakuzu turned, facing the other member squarely. "Not more then usual." he replied in short.

"I'm afraid there's a slight change in plans. **Leader-sama wants another damn meeting.** He says it's about an experiment he wishes to try with us."

The hoary falls ninja nodded. "And why did you need to inform me of this alone?" Kakuzu couldn't help the dreaded feeling that settled in the pit of his stomach. He had no idea what it was he should have been so worried about…

"Yes. Actually, we wanted to ask a favor of you since you're obviously more prevalent over Hidan. **He's definitively a bottom. **There is an experiment I am conducting that I wished for him to participate in. **He's the only one that'll survive it.** It's a plant fertilization method I've developed but it requires a human ingredient that's detached but still functions and doesn't decay. **We want his balls.** It would only be temporary and you could always reattach them. **Or you could just smash them and laugh at the little bitch. **We are willing to pay you should you comply. **Hee hee. The dissection video will fetch quite a bit.** But we'd only sell it with his permission.** Fuck his permission. He should never have refused us! **We couldn't force him. **We should have forced him.** The specimens would have been so beautiful. **We'll have his offspring…"**

Apparently his ninja instincts were sharp as ever. Kakuzu didn't know which was worse: Having a conversation with Zetsu for five minutes or hearing Hidan bitch for an hour. "If I didn't have to work with him on a regular basis… I'd consider it." There was no way in hell Kakuzu would be a part of something that sick but he decided being polite was the wise choice. He didn't know if his… 'family jewels' would survive, but he didn't want to give Zetsu any ideas. One thing did irk him however and he couldn't help but ask. "What do you mean he's a ….bottom? Just because I'm older, I have no control over what that boy does."

Perhaps if he was more up to date on the new sexual lingo these youngsters used, he wouldn't have asked…

---

"Stupid sick bastard. Uhk! Damn blonde bimbo, heathen FREAK!!" Hidan cursed, picking off excess bits of clay from his cloak as he walked down the dirt road. "Damn asshole. Like I care about his damn problems. Seriously, he should get Tobi to do this shit…" Images of Tobi trying to seduce Kakuzu in a French maid outfit, feather duster and all, flooded his mind. Hidan blinked. _If it wasn't for Tobi's mask, that might work._ Laughing out loud, he continued the little scenario in his head. _Tobi could play a cheap trick. Hell, the boy is so willing he'd probably do it for free! _Hidan's mind played with the idea a little more before tossing it aside.

Hidan sighed, running his fingers through his hair, the soft strands a comfort as his mind worked out a plan of attack. _Tobi's too easy. I bet he's after my bones cause he thinks I'm playin hard to get or some shit. Man this is so fucked up! I converted a virgin to you my lord and this is how you repay me??? _Hidan stopped and stood on the dirt path raging. _This is sick! I didn't join Akatsuki for this crap!! _

"About damn time you showed up. "

Hidan jerked his head glaring at his partner and silently cursing him self for letting his guard down. Not that Hidan cared, but he knew Kakuzu would jump to the chance of belittling him in any way." Yea well I had some bullshit to clean up in isle 10, so fuck off!"

Kakuzu ignored the sarcastic remark. He wasn't angry at all to his own surprise, just very glad he and Zetsu were done with their 'talk'. He was updated on the modern times in a way he could live with out. He gave Hidan a glance over. "You couldn't wait till later to do your damn ritual? You just did one last night…" He replied, almost grateful to have his partner back. Almost…

"Ritual? What are y…?" Deidara's conversation popped into his head. Biting his lip, Hidan laughed nervously. "Yea right… Well, um… Some one saw and it ended up being a double…" Kakuzu's eye's narrowed and Hidan gulped. _Fuck! He's giving me that 'something's up' look… Damn it, don't change into the 'something's wrong loo'… FUCK!_

"Your too clean for a 'double' ritual let alone one…"Kakuzu continued to eye his partner suspiciously. _If it wasn't a ritual then what the hell was he doing all this time…?_

"Um well…" _-'You're going to flirt with him un'__**. - **_Hidan bit his lip a little harder not meeting his partner's eyes. _This better work you clay fucking freak son of a bitch!_ "I tried something new and it didn't go so hot, seriously, I don't feel like talking about it _kuzu._" Then Hidan gave the most anguished, hopefully cute, pout he could muster.

The reaction was instant. Kakuzu stared at his partner in mild shock. The slightly pouted lips, pleading eyes, slight tilt of the head, all assaulted him at once before he could breathe. _What the hell? _He screwed his eye's shut, but the image was burned into his mind. Muttering something unintelligible, Kakuzu strode on past his partner, face set in a deep scowl.

Hidan stared at the retreating form, disappointment marring his features. _What the hell? Fuck! I didn't even get a chance to flirt or anything and the damn bastard just walks off. This is gonna be harder then I thought. _With a curse, Hidan followed suit.

_---_

After an hour of walking, Kakuzu's ninja instincts alerted him that something was amiss. Reaching out his senses he concluded that they weren't being followed. Glancing at his partner he finally understood what was wrong. _He's too quiet. _"Leader wants another meeting so we'll be making a stop before moving on…"

"Hn. Yea sure."

The silence stretched for another ten minutes. Kakuzu's senses were going off like an alarm. He couldn't believe that now when he finally got some peace and quiet, he wanted that obnoxious brat to talk. He figured that it must have been due to the trauma he endured while talking to Zetsu.-'_**He's definitively a bottom.'-**_ Kakuzu snorted. Even though he agreed, it was something that have little prevalence to him. It had nothing to do with money or finances; it was useless information. He had no clue why he even asked. -'_You seem to be out of touch with the newer age trends. __**When the hell did you last get laid, seventy years ago or something?**__ Even we sedate such needs now and then…'__**-**_Kakuzu suppressed a shutter. More useless information. Besides, he'd out grown such petty needs. The thrill of a good hunt with a promise of a huge reward was much more exciting. _Such small minds these younger ones have, so clouded by raging hormones. What a waste of potential._

Kakuzu glanced at his partner. Hidan was thinking. That was bad. He apparently had been 'thinking' during their whole walk, hence the complete silence. _What the hell could his tiny brain be so absorbed in?_ Hidan's words and actions from earlier reminded him that something had made the Jashinist upset. Kakuzu would hang himself later but he needed a distraction from the silence. "Your ritual fell through that badly?"

Hidan replied with a 'hn', too absorbed in finding a solution to his problem. A sigh left his lips, not missed by his partner who was covertly analyzing him. This was one of the reasons why he chose action before thinking. It was so easy to get lost in your thoughts, get distracted with a memory, and have to find your way back to the beginning. So far after back tracking his experiences, he realized that he basically had no experience what so ever with picking up chicks (or in this case guys). _What Deidara did worked on me, but Kakuzu's an old geezer. He probably can't even 'do it' any more, or maybe 'it' wasn't even there any more, or… _Hidan made a small anguished sound startling his partner. _I am not… Even… gonna go there. Just… Stop…_ But his mind went into the whole dismemberment in full detail. In desperation Hidan had to ask just to make it stop. "Kakuzu, you still have a dick… Right??"

Kakuzu stopped. Taking note of his partners crazed anguish ridden eyes, he replied. "If it was that bad, we can make a stop and find you another victim…" The crazed look turned into confusion. "There's another settlement around here with… people, that you can… sacrifice?" He said the words slowly so that the mentally challenged psycho would understand. Understanding finally flashed, but was replaced with annoyance.

"Fuck the ritual! Just answer the damn question! Are you a dickless freak or not?"

Kakuzu didn't know if he should be insulted or relieved. "It was still there the last time I checked…"

"When was the last time you checked???"

"Hidan…"

"When was the last time you checked JASHIN DAMN IT!?? I'll pull your fuckin pants down and check myself if you don't fuckin tell me right now!!!"

Knowing the boy had snapped completely, Kakuzu was careful to suppress his sarcasm. "Yes Hidan I have a dick."

The crazed youth snarled angrily. "You're just saying that you damn bastard! Show it! Lying heathen!"

"No."

"SHOW ME DAMN YOU!! I… I need to know it's there…" Hidan's voice grew desperate as if he was scared of some horrible impending doom Kakuzu just couldn't see.

"Hidan, what the hell is wrong with you?" The question seemed to jar a sense of sanity back.

"Look just… Never mind, it's nothing… Just… Is it THERE there or is it sewed on or some shit seriously???" Hidan looked at his partner wearily.

The boy's fate rested on Kakuzu's shoulders and had the situation not been as bad he would have laughed. "Hidan, I have a normal functioning dick. Are you satisfied?" His brow quirked. He was even more curious to know what happened at the ritual to make his partner so erratic.

"Yea. Just forget it. Where are we going again?"

The older man sighed. It was totally understandable that Hidan wouldn't retain a word Kakuzu said that was important. A sure sign the old Hidan was back and fully functioning. "Here. This is range enough for the meeting leader wants to have." He sat down on a flat slab of stone waiting for a signal from the other members.

"Oh yea. " Sucking his teeth, Hidan lifted his hand to rake through his hair but stopped glancing at his nails with a frown. He sat down on the grass making him self comfortable against a tree before glancing at his partner. "Oiy, you got any nail polish left? I'm all out and I figured I'd get it done while I pretend to listen to leader's bullshit." The falls ninja snorted, a semi-silent way he would laugh at Hidan's antics. Hidan caught the bottle that was tossed his way with a grin. Getting to work on his fingernails, he frowned. "Leader had to pick the gayest color in the damn rainbow didn't he? It doesn't even go with our uniforms…"

"All the other colors were taken." Kakuzu replied joining his hands in a familiar seal when he felt the call.

"Yea I wonder why…" Creating the seal with his left hand Hidan used his right to work on his toenails.

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I knows it's short but it shall be longigated next chapter i swear ; ;


	4. big house on the rockprairie

Hi yall! Finally got around to finishing this chapter x_X I wanna thank the ppls that reviewed cause I really appreciate it X3 And next chapter will have smut ^_~ Cause I luuuuv smutt _ when it's tasteful -_=. Also the next will be the last chapter i believe. Aaaaand who ever asked before hand their nail polish is purple. So, not only is it strange for the men to be wearing it in the first place, but it's purple as well. Who says yaoi isn't cannon any way? X3

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The meeting had been to basically see how well the current partnerships were fairing. Leader suggested that a partner swap would benefit the organization in adaptation, but as soon as Kisame suggested he and Konan become teammates the idea was dropped. Conveniently for Hidan, the meeting was over in time for his nails to dry, and no one seemed to question why it looked like his projection was blowing at his hand every now and then.

"Deidara…" Kakuzu's voice set of an alarm in the back of Hidan's head. "We need to… _talk_"

_Shit! _Hidan panicked and did the first thing that came to mind. The rest of the Akatsuki watched as Kakuzu's projection flickered off a second later. "Uh… great meeting! Yeah. See you all later! Oh! And may Jashin-sama have mercy on your…" Hidan's signature dissipated suddenly.

"Hmm… That was interesting." The male with shark features grinned. "A little over anxious there ehh~?"

Lazy dark blue eye's focused on the speaker. "He did seem rather …Desperate."

"Even the stoic Uchia noticed. **We figured there was a pervert in there some where…**" A light chuckle reverberated from the speaker. "**Don't laugh! We lost the bet.** It's still not entirely impossible. Maybe they're in denial."

"Tch. Hidan's really a closet case yeah?" bright blue eyes danced with mirth. "It wasn't hard seducing him un."

"Deidara sempi, Seducing is cheating! Tobi's a good boy and… Um," scratching his head Tobi asked sheepishly," what does seducing mean again?"

Deidara huffed. "Just shut up un! I didn't do it to cheat! I needed …a favor…" the blond sucked his teeth at letting that slip. "Something that had nothing to do with the bet!"

"Heh. I believe ya." Kisame chuckled. "It's not like nobody here wants to try him out…" He added, missing the possessive glare his partner gave him.

"Tobi doesn't want to try him out. Tobi just wants to be friends!"

Deidara gave his masked partner a peculiar look before continuing. "I went past my budget this month un, so I asked Hidan to… take care of it."

"That's still considered cheating Deidara…" All the remaining members turned to their leader who was still present. "You should have asked me to put funds aside for Sassori's recovery." The statement raised a few brows.

"It's… Not for the progress of the organization un. I didn't feel like bothering you about it." Deidara's eyes shifted away from the leader. "That would have been my last resort."

Silence stretched for thirty seconds before Kisame spoke up. "So… Was he any good?" Sharingan activated.

Deidara blinked. "Actually…" The artist cupped his chin. "He panicked before I got that far. Like I said, a real closet case un."

Kisame chuckled. "Damn. I bet I could really get him goi…"

"We're finished here." Itachi practically commanded startling the other members.

Kisame frowned at his partner's outburst. "But I wanna know the status of our bet. I got first dibs on that albino's tight little a…" Crimson eyes blazed before two more members were suddenly dismissed.

"Interesting. Now might be a good time to ask Uchia about assisting us in our experiment. **He's bound to give us Kisame's balls after that!**"Zetsu dismissed himself, an eerie giggle echoed through out the cavern where the meeting took place.

The three that were left exchanged glances before Tobi spoke up. "Why is Zetsu-san so worked up over balls? Tobi would never take some one's balls. Tobi's a good boy."

The other two remaining stared at Tobi for a moment before the leader cleared his throat. "Deidara, your tampering may have caused our wager to turn in your favor, however I am willing to overlook it for sassori's sake. To make sure you don't interfere again I have a mission that will keep you both quite occupied."

Both team members sighed. Tobi pointed an accusing finger at his partner. "This is all your fault Deidara-sempi. If you weren't trying to mate with Hidan-san we would still be on leave!"

The blond gaped at his partner in disbelief. "I thought you didn't know what seduction meant un!"

Tobi waved a finger at his sempi. "From what Kisame-san was saying Tobi was able to put two and two together!" He demonstrated his point by wiggling both index fingers and pressing them together. After a second of thought he added, "And Tobi's been studying Zetsu-san's notes! Um… Deidara-sempi's not going to dissect Hidan-san's balls is he..?"

Deidara clenched his teeth. "I'm going to dissect YOUR balls if you don't stop screwing around with me un!!" Both signatures dissipated leaving an amused yet slightly irritated leader.

"They didn't even hear my mission briefing…"

---

"Damn it Kakuzu!" Hidan rubbed his sore cheek. "You didn't have to all out punch me!"

"You're right. I should have ripped your arms off …" Picking up the bottle of polish that was thrown at his temple and pocketing it, Kakuzu faced his partner. "If you ever interrupt me like that again, you won't be walking for two weeks." _Never mind his arms I'll just rip off his legs…_

Hidan gulped. _Damn it! He's gonna all out rape me if I piss him off again! Damn it Jashin-sama what do I do???_ "Uh, look…" He paused, Grimacing in complete agony. "I'm… s… sor..rry." It was difficult and pretty damn close to a sin, but he managed. "I… I just wanted to get out of there alright? That shark lookin thing was fucking staring at me funny the whole time and it was pissing me off." It wasn't a total lie; Kisame was staring like he wanted to eat him and his pet weasel was staring like he wanted to kill him. If his hands weren't busy he would have flipped them both off.

Kakuzu studied his partner briefly before his shoulders visibly relaxed, temper sedated for the moment. "Let's go. I need to check up on my funds and grab an updated bingo book."

Hidan released the breath he was holding thanking his god that he'd gotten off so easy then promptly got up, walking along side of Kakuzu as they made their way back onto the dirt path.

---

Walking for miles in silence, the two entered a territory Hidan hadn't seen before, however the excitement of entering a new area was short lived. There wasn't anything of interest besides mountains of rock and what appeared to be a deserted wasteland.

The uneventful surroundings coupled with the long period of silence grated on his nerves, and he tried to suppress the question that nagged at his mind. _Another ten minutes. Another ten minutes…_ He mentally chanted over and over again, until he couldn't take it any longer. Unable to resist his burning desire to speak he asked the dreaded question.

"Are we there yet?"

Kakuzu regarded his partner with a slight turn of the head. "No."

Crestfallen, Hidan's lips pursed. "Dammit Kakuzu. We've been walking for ever! In the forest it was fine but out here it's a Jashin damn rocky desert! Uhn. Why couldn't I have been paired with some body else that wasn't dragging me around like a damn rag doll…"

Kakuzu couldn't resist. "It could have been worse… You could have been paired up with Kisame…"

Hidan looked at the falls nin in horror. "SHUT THE FUCK UP KAKUZU! You sick bitch! I bet you'd really like to see him eat me alive ASSHOLE!"

"We're here."

"FU… Woh…" Hidan looked up at a towering rocky mountain to see a modest looking mansion cradled in its side almost hidden from the world. "You… OWN that thing?"

"Hn." was Kakuzu's only reply as he dashed suddenly forward into a sprint.

Hidan watched his partner run strait up the mountain and huffed." Sick bastard. I hope you trip and break your neck." He muttered under his breath as he ran after Kakuzu, channeling his chakra to his feet and making his way up the mountain side.

When the two reached the top, Hidan took a moment to catch his breath and admire the view of the rocky landscape from their high vantage point. "I guess it doesn't look as bad from up here." turning and strutting past his partner he made his way to the building. It was huge up close, at least four levels maybe a fifth, and was made in an old style Japanese temple like structure. Making his way through the big giant doors Hidan sighed in bliss, happy to be out of the hot sun. Until a barricade of kunai flew at him and lodged themselves in his gut. "THE FUCK!"

Kakuzu chuckled and lazily walked past his partner into the large entry hall. "Hidan. I always tell you to be careful and sure enough you'd barge in an unknown place…"

Hidan glared. "This is YOUR house it's not unknown!! Jashin damn it! You could have warned me you dick!" Plucking the weapons from his chest he dropped them on the floor, except for one which he promptly threw at his partner.

Kakuzu simply dodged, a glint of humor in his eyes. "I guess I should have warned you. However, do you think that you would have listened?" In all honesty, Kakuzu was too absorbed in his own thoughts to notice Hidan's abrupt entry. Getting a new bingo book always made him giddy; That, and the novels Genji said he'd leave along with it. It had been so long since he had time to sit and read in peace.

"Yeah I would have fuckin listened! Tch, whatever. I'm not cleaning up all this blood. Serves you right bastard." Hidan strolled in, wounds bleeding onto the floor. He opened his blood soaked cloak, the fabric slowly sliding off his damp sweaty shoulders, and flung it over an expensive looking piece of furniture. "Hope you got a good maid fucker." He then proceeded to tour the large entry room leaving bloody foot prints in his wake as he admired the fine art pieces that hung on the walls with a grin. "Damn these pictures are gory. Puts all my rituals to shame…"

Kakuzu's eyes narrowed dangerously as he walked past his partner into the dinning hall. On the table were his precious novels and bingo book just as Genji promised. "Hidan there's a washroom down the hall to the left. Get blood any where else in this house and I will tie you to a tree and leave you outside…" An extra coat of venom was added to reinforce the statement.

"Yeah what ever. Up yours Kuzu."

Kakuzu raised a brow as he watched Hidan drag his feet down the hall. _Why does he keep calling me that…?_ With a snort he flipped through the bingo book, taking note of the new faces that appeared and storing them in his memory as well as the notes left in-between pages. Setting the book down, he looked longingly at the novels. With a reluctant sigh, he headed after Hidan. _I'll have to close some of those up. He'll have blood every where…_

---

Hidan turned on one of the showers in the wash room he assumed was for servants since there were so many. _Yea like he'd have servants here in the middle of no where. It'd be funny to watch them all run up and down that cliff._ Hidan snickered then shuddered blissfully as he stood under the shower. The water was cool yet not cold, just how he liked it. Lifting his head up, he stood in place letting the water beat down on his face and chest._ Damn this feels so good…_ He pressed his hands against the cool tile to keep from falling forward as he arched his back slightly, sighing blissfully. He parted his lips letting the cool liquid fill his mouth and flow over his bottom lip. The water ran down his chin and neck meeting with other streams that cascaded over his chest and body.

A noise jarred him from his refreshing haze and he turned, eyes locking with intense green orbs. _Oh shit!_ Hidan panicked and jumped into a defensive stance. "I know what you're thinking you perverted heathen! My body is a sacred temple of Jashin!!"

Kakuzu stood without his cloak and head cover, fists clenched. A low growl sounded from gritted teeth. "Hidan. I am going to KILL YOU!"

Hidan gulped "Ok fine! just… Let me die a virgin ok?" Kakuzu slowly advanced murderous intent in his eyes. Hidan readied himself. "Stay back you heathen sinner! I'm fucking serious Kakuzu!!!"

"And so am I…" Was Kakuzu's only warning before the two ended up in a messy violent brawl.

After about fifteen minutes of punching, kicking, and broken bathroom paraphernalia, Kakuzu ended up straddling and pinning Hidan to the floor. "Get the fuck off damn it! I'm not fucking kidding kazu! You fuckin perverted freak!"

"Hidan."

"I swear if you do anything to me my god will SMITE YOU!"

"Hidan…"

"And when he smites you it's serious! And when he gets serious…"

"HIDAN SHUT UP or I really WILL rape you…" That finally quieted the albino, look of absolute horror etched on his face. Kakuzu sighed at the sheer idiocy then looked up to survey the damage. "I told you not to get blood everywhere you retarded child!"

Hidan blinked and took a look at their surroundings. Besides the damage from their fight, pretty much everything had some sort of blood spatter on it. "Yea I think I livened up your crappy wall paper a bit." Kakuzu gave him a heated glare. "What!? It's not like you jumping me helped it any!"

The falls nin glared at his captive a moment longer before going about closing the chest wounds. "You can't even follow the simplest of instruction. How you survived as a ninja before your immortality astounds me…"

Hidan scowled. "Shut the hell up old man. Your one to fuckin talk. Most ninja don't run around with five hearts either!"

"I didn't always have them…" Kakuzu stated coolly as he finished his work.

Hidan look down at his stitched chest. "If you would have done that before none of this shit would have happened…"

"If you weren't so stupid it wouldn't have happened either, but I guess that would be expecting too much." Kakuzu replied, getting off Hidan and standing up. The other cursed under his breath as he stood up. There was an awkward moment of silence as Hidan still naked fidgeted and Kakuzu mentally tallied up the damages.

"Kakuzu…"

The brunet turned to face him. "Hn."

"you're… not REALLY gonna rape me if I keep pissing you off… right?" Hidan laughed nervousness in his voice.

Kakuzu looked at Hidan for a moment, and then a slow, sinister smirk spread across his face. Sending chills down Hidan's spine. "I don't usually go back on my word do I..?"

Hidan fainted.

* * *

And cracked his head on the floor making even more of a mess... Thanks for reading and review if you liked it or hated it or wanted a free cookie. X3


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